Brian Craig

“The Queen is dead! Long live the Queen!” I never really understood that phrase until I heard the story of Brian Craig. You see, Brian Craig has died three times over the course of his relatively short life.

The first time Brian Craig died was during the last days of winter, 1991, in Manitoba. Brian Craig and his school chums knew they had one last chance to go ice fishing, so they packed up their gear and headed onto the ice. If only they’d read the “thin ice” warnings posted around the semi-frozen lake, a different tale might be told. As expected, they fell through the ice. By the time Brian Craig was rushed to the hospital, he had third degree hypothermia and hadn’t breathed in over twenty-five minutes. Luckily, in the skillful hands of the doctors of Manitoba General Hospital, he was revived with nary a mark from his harrowing ordeal.

The second time Brian Craig died was during the internet boom of 2001. He was working in the warehouse of “Step ‘n’ Fetch It”, an online doormat factory that specialized in manufacturing novelty doormats. Every day at lunch, Brian Craig would eat a 12-inch cheesesteak with fried onions and, as luck would have it, he eventually had a massive heart attack. He was again rushed to the hospital where he was again resuscitated.

Up to this point in his young life, Brian Craig had dodged two bullets, but he never expected that he’d have to dodge a third bullet. A real one. By the spring of 2003, Brian Craig had become a world-renowned boudoir photographer. Unfortunately, the husband of one of his clients didn’t understand exactly what boudoir photos were and assumed his wife was having an affair with this successful young artist. He came after Brian Craig with a snubbed-nosed .44 and hit his mark. After being rushed to the hospital for a third time, Brian Craig was officially pronounced dead on April 19, 2003. Incidentally, the cemetery where his body was buried had previously been an ancient Indian burial ground. Three days later, he rose from the dead, a zombie. Brian Craig still walks among us today as a member of internet sketch comedy troupe Secret Pants. He also feasts on the brains of the living.

Brian Craig enjoys watching movies and going out to eat. He now resides in Cabot Cove, Maine, a small, fictional fishing village.