Paul Triggiani

Key:

1. Me

This is me, as represented by a cheap Fischer-Price action figure from the seventies. I altered him to reflect my preferred wardrobe styling. Note how his arm hangs at an angle, much like my own. Oddly enough, it came that way.

2. Wayne’s World Movie Poster

Wayne’s World is one of the greatest comedies ever made. My uncle brought me to see it when I was twelve and even though I didn’t get the “cream of some young guy” joke, I still laughed at it. I keep extra copies of the film at home so I can give them out to people who’ve never seen it. Sort of like The Gideons.

3. Ghostbusters Movie Poster

Ghostbusters is also one of the greatest comedies ever made, and possibly the greatest film ever made. Period. End of discussion. If you haven’t seen this movie, please turn off your computer, walk into your kitchen and stab yourself in the throat with a corkscrew.

4. Disco Ball

You may be surprised to learn that I am a god damn dancing machine. My style is sort of a cross between Russell Mael (when Sparks did “Mickey Mouse” on SNL back in 1982) and someone having a seizure. Be forewarned; the length and vigor of my dancing is directly related to the amount of booze in my tummy.

5. Pictures of Hot Ladies

I realize that my personality contains a series of clues that might lead you to believe that I am a homosexual. Despite any and all gay mannerisms, I’m actually quite fond of the ladies. I should also note that, depending on how much I’ve had to drink, my “fondness” can sometimes lead to “strange behavior” and sometimes I even start “acting like a creep.”

Everyone should know that. For the record.

6. Record Player

I enjoy music. I made a record player to represent that, but not because I particularly like records— just because I could not accurately re-create an iPod in miniature.

7. Table

I use and enjoy tables. I have seven tables in my house! Seven! Who ever heard of seven tables!

8. Whiskey

Some people say that my drinking habits are unhealthy. Those people are full of bullshit.

In health class, they said that alcohol was a “depressant.” This is also bullshit. Booze is an “emotion amplifier.”

It is a dance initiator, a confidence booster, a pain decreaser and a movie more-enjoyabler. Were booze a person, I would easily take up arms to defend him/her.

9. Coffee Mug

I enjoy coffee for the same reason that everyone enjoys coffee—it’s less expensive than cocaine.